major black girl problem #180-FIFTY SHADES OF BEIGE


major black girl problem #180-FIFTY SHADES OF BEIGE

and the other time

when a doctor pointed at a man in the waiting room who i didn’t know and said ‘your dad can come in with you’ 

and does anyone remember the other time

when my year 7 piano teacher told me ‘i started teaching your sister last week’ and i told him i didn’t have a sister and we had an actual argument about whether i did or not

does anyone remember the time

in year 8 geography when mr mcgrath asked the class the name of the longest river in africa and i put my hand up and he called me ‘ebola?’ and i corrected him and said ‘it’s ololade’ and he said ‘no, it’s the nile’

dear dorothy

Dear Dorothy*,

I’ve been too scared to admit this for a long time, but I think my husband might be having an affair. We have been married for 22 years (22 blissful years) but recently he hasn’t been behaving like himself. He does nothing all day and refuses to eat meat. Not only that, I found a tooth on his bedside table. It’s not one of his, and it certainly isn’t one of mine. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Anxious, Somerset



Dear Anxious

I’m very sorry to hear about your predicament. A friend of mine actually went through something very similar not too long ago. But her story ended very gruesomely and so we shan’t delve into it now. 

Have you considered taking the tooth in for examination? Though you must be awfully frightened, there is no need to jump to conclusions at this point in time. What makes you so sure that it is not your husband’s tooth? It is always possible that the tooth may belong to him, and that as a result of the distress of it falling out, he is avoiding tough, chewy meats, and reading copious amounts in order to replace the tooth-breaking foods with some ‘food for thought’. That, or he is involved in sexual relations with a female colleague, and is acting out some kind of sick and twisted Tooth Fairy fetish.

Either way you should probably just ask him. If you are too meek to do so, do write again and I will be able to put you in touch with some excellent dental radiographers.




Dear Dorothy*, *For legal reasons we are required to point out that Dorothy is not our writer’s real name, and has in fact been chosen for alliterative humour purposes.

green tomatoes

'Spare some change, miss?'

I whirled round, surprised, sure that I recognised the voice. A man sat there elegantly cross-legged. Sure enough, it was Ainsley Harriott.

'Ainsley Harriott!' I said.

He grinned nervously, embarrassed to be recognised. ‘Spare some change darlin’?’

'But Ainsley!' I said.

By my misfortune, I had no spare change that day, but I told him to open his mouth, and as he did I popped my last wine gum in by way of an apology. ‘Why aren’t you on the telly Ainsley?’ I asked, closing his mouth for him. He had such soft skin.

'It's all a rota system love,' he said, while chewing.

'What is?' I said, wishing I had more wine gums left.

'The meals they cook. It's all done on a rota, between me, the chefs, the guests, the crew, and the audience that day. I had my turn a few months back. We're not allowed to eat anything else, so's we appreciate the flavours all the more and do that annoying thing where we talk with our mouths full. I haven't eaten in 230 days.'

'You poor thing!' I said, chuckling.

He smiled ruefully and nodded, surprisingly (or perhaps, unsurprisingly) still chewing.

'Ta-ra Ainsley', I said, and kissed him on the ear.

'Ta-ra,' he replied, spitting out the remains of the wine gum and placing them gingerly in a handkerchief. Saving them for later probably, I thought, and skipped off down the motorway.



anyway, i’m off too bed
night xx

cooooool! night night :) 

15 minutes goes past and he is still online. Why did you put so many Os in ‘cool’? Are you ILL? Get a hold of yourself. 
Probably just a Facebook glitch. He’ll be fast asleep by now, dreaming of you HA HA NOT REALLY BUT I WISH HE WAS SO BAD THO!
You shouldn’t have matched his kiss number either. Makes it look like you were tryna SAY summin’. Should’ve put one. Nah, not one… one looks like you’re trying to be coy, screams that you’re playing hard to get. Should’ve put three. NO, not three, what are you, some kind of slut? Noooo thank you.

He’s still online.

You click on his profile. Anything new? Nothing new. Check out a few photos. He looks goooood there. What are you doing? Stop this.

What was that funny thing he said earlier? Haha let me read the whole conversation and check


haha wehre do you find this stuff

i have my sources



anyway, i’m off too bed
night xx

cooooool! night night :) 

Hmm. Maybe it was a different day.

Tum tee tum. 

He’s still online.

Yep, still online.

It’s been 25 minutes WHY IS HE STILL ONLINE?

Should you say something? No, don’t be silly. How stalkerish. What could you possibly say without coming across insane.

Well, you could say something stupendously witty.

Tum tee tum…


1) You there?

2) What are you still doing up!

3) Hi ;)

4) Thought you were going ‘too bed’ you dishonest illiterate fucktoad


You decide to go with 1). Maybe 5) when he responds

You there?

You wait a moment without breathing.

BOY is offline.

friendship tips!

  • tip 5: most people are very boring. make friends with interesting people by avoiding people who use vowels in speech

  • tip 4: no one likes a needy friend. homeless people survive on very little, so make good and effortless long term companions
  • tip 3: need a lift somewhere and you lack the intelligence to drive a vehicle? valets drive for a living, make them your chums and they’ll drive you down friendship highway all year round
  • tip 2: we all feel peckish sometimes! choose a friend with nice tasting flesh in case you’ve got no pasta or other carbohydrates in your cupboards
  • tip 1: WHITE LOAFERS. anyone who doesn’t own a pair of white loafers is sure to be an imbecile, so make sure to gun down anyone you see without. then you’ll be left with the cream of the crop! friendship party alert!!

some questions

do the end slices of bread get upset that they’re always left behind

do laptops get complacent if you always have them on charge

do wasps get irritated when they keep flying into windows

why do black females wear blusher?